The magnitude of frustration is difficult to describe when I am holding my breath underwater and, for some reason, am caught and cannot reach the surface for more air. It brings tears to my eyes. This anecdote is all I can think of to describe my feelings at the end of this day.
Public speaking. Ever since my freshman year of college, when a professor of mine actively called out those students in class who used improper language and grammar, I have been annoyingly more cognizant of these habits in myself and those around me. "Um," "Uh," "You know," and the ever popular "like" (incorrectly used) have become like the sudden spike of squealing when a mosquito ventures too close to your ear, sending shivers of irritation throughout the body. Thanks John Andrews! Gaa! They're place-holders, meaningless junk that distracts from conversation. For years now I've been listening to friends, foes, and strangers speak, only to stumble over their misuse of their own tongue and their linguistic stupor knocks my attention flat as well.
Bah! I had a discussion with my mom tonight about the church we've attended for over 10 years. I can recall so many wonderful experiences: van rides to mountain camping trips, taking photos with disposable cameras, throwing rocks at food-stealing squirrels, climbing rocks, gambling with soda straws, playing basketball, staffing food drives, landscaping rundown neighborhoods, giving blood, and worshiping God together, with hard-earned friends, kids you could trust, insult, and stay up all night talking to. I remember looking forward to youth group and arguing with my parents about what "dressed up" meant each Sunday for the service. Ah, it felt like home.
Not anymore. I've grown up and seen the uglier side of my childhood haunt. Politics, hidden agendas, stubbornness that would leave a spoiled 4-year-old in awe, the adult human beings in charge of the institution I put trust in, rotting its core with the "easy way out," the "more profitable turn," the "good of the community" arguments. All the while, my accusation are in doubt because I know so little about what's behind the scenes. I loathe the reputation my faith has accrued over the millennia, the narrow-minded (though often not unjustified) opinions of the "Christian," the mind games, the logical booby-traps, the mistrust, the anger, the hearts of stone, the ears of wood. It's all shit. The way I clung to, the words I grasped for some real essence were these: "Love thy neighbor as thyself." The rules, the commands, the edicts, the covenants--these all were created to appease the fear and doubt and stupidity that continue to proliferate, on, and on, and on, into each generation. Where did that 'greatest commandment' get lost?
Sure must sound all high and mighty and, ultimately, cliche. Well, fine, if that's how you absorb this ranting Dear Reader, then I have failed again. I am not the sharpened tool, the focused beam, the perfected light to show the path. The reason I attached myself to that philosophy above, the necessity of Loving all around me, was because it brought, and brings, me joy incomparable. Not a 100% on a midterm, not a juicy paycheck, not the beating sound of applause after a successful speech, not alcohol or drugs, not even the healing of all wounds and aches, physical and otherwise, radiates the ecstatic pleasure of genuine Love. Its calming torrents soothe the bitterness of contradiction, the embarrassment in my upbringing, the pain when a friend derides what I feel to be vital for happiness.
Ahhhhh, well, that's better. I think there is hope for a new view, as long as someone hopes, and knows what they hope for--as long as someone Loves, and knows there are no bounds, no locks, no separations. Fear is as nothing in its presence. It's the way I feel when a good song comes across the air molecules to slam against my fragile drums. As Anthony Keatis sang: "Music, the great communicator... ." That's a good song (Can't Stop by RHCP), but that line strikes me in the face most of all the lyrics. I feel the same jubilance of Love when listening to some songs. I can't yet put some definite criteria on it. The song just has to move me (a truly 'bad ass' piece).
There's not really an end to all of this business. It's a continuous adventure, as unending as the Mobius strip, the horizon, and the number of ways a woman can surprise me. I'm a dirt-poor example of what I believe, but, hey, I'm still searching ... so be patient!
Saturday, March 1, 2008
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4 comments:
"Um", "uh", and "like" are place fillers. I think they do serve a purpose, although that may not make them any less annoying. Growing up I used to take a couple seconds to answer questions. People who had just met me and didn't know how absent-minded I can be sometimes thought I might be retarded, or at least a little slow on the uptake, or deaf, because I wouldn't say anything for a couple of seconds after some questions. A long "uh..." was an automatic response I developed to let someone know that I'd heard them, even as my brain is wildly spinning to back up and start to process language again. I probably still looked stupid, but not deaf. Beginning too many sentences with "Well," or a similar placeholder, in the middle of conversation, can be a sign of minor past brain damage. To me "uh", "um", and "like" are mostly ways of avoiding the mild embarrassment caused by having to pause, when one's brain is not supplying the answers quickly enough. Sometimes they are just bad habit though, particularly with like meaning "approximately", perhaps. And of course if you've rehearsed something, you shouldn't have to pause for thought too often.
Regrading Christianity: I find that often some label attached to me, while perfectly respectable by my definitions, acquires a meaning I don't like due to the actions of others. Sometimes I feel compelled to make a sort of defense of myself, or redefine my own terms. When it comes to my beliefs I've started to simply give up on defining them at all, except in my long speculative ramblings, which probably overall makes me seem more agnostic than I am.
As for what has happened to Christianity in particular, all that I can say is that the power to do good and the power to do evil are inseparable from each other, and men and women are (with perhaps a rare exception) not perfect.
"Fear is as nothing in its presence." I find this an interesting quote, because in my experience the most gnawing fears are the ones caused by love itself. I think that love is everything you say it is, but I feel more aware of the... tragic? Or maybe simply that it has power both ways, like everything else about humanity. Which is odd, because I don't feel jaded, or pessimistic, or unhappy about it, or resigned to any particular problem. It just is part of the natural background. *shrug* I often have this problem that the statements I believe in do not convey (at least not to others) the emotions that I feel.
In any case, I wish you clarity and happiness, in the direct sense that it would make me happy to see you happy. And perhaps to see you soon!
Your comments about Christianity and the church really struck a chord with me. You say that as an adult you have realized the horror that is "church politics" (which make regular politics look squeaky-clean) and the ultimate failing of humanity in its leaders. Strangely these comments remind me of my own childhood experience with the church. My father was an elder at several churches we attended and I'm sorry to say I had front row seats for the show behind the scenes.
I'm not sure if it's better to realize these things at a young age or an older one. I know the whole experience left me with several issues that I had to work through later in life. However, back on track, we are all human after all and incapable of the Perfect Love that we all strive and yearn for.
Ultimately it does all come down to the greatest of commandments ("love thy neighbor" is the second :)): "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul and mind." Unfortunately I think those labeled as "Christians" often forget both of these and when they do it's Love that suffers the most.
I hope this all made sense and wasn't too irrelevant to your post. This is just what it inspired me to think about.
Re: Sean's um
I've always wondered why people felt they had to fill in the conversation when they get caught thinking. Really, if you're giving thought to your response it's a sign of respect. I can understand wanting to acknowledge the other person's input while giving thought, but wouldn't it be great if we just expected people to think? There's something systematically curious there...
Re: Christianity
I recommend Heart of Darkness with dictionary on the side (Conrad learned English with, as he says in Lord Jim, "a madman's dictionary"). One component is the relativity and transience of truth in time and space.
Love, perfected, has no climax.
http://www.taoteching.org/chapters/41.htm
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